I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
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If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
U talkin 2 me?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?