Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
You Might Also Like
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost