2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
You Might Also Like
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Yup.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself