I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
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“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I hope it’s French Onion!
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.