Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
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These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
one of
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.