It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
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Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
what it’s like dating me:
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job