[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
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My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.