Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
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Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)