someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
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Breaking news:
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
*pronounces woah like Noah*