Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
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Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all