Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
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Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.