Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]