My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
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I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.