Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
You Might Also Like
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic