I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
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“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!