I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
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[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?