Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
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[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
A fake ID that makes you younger
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.