It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
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Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Fixed this for Shakespeare
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.