It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
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I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Ugh but profoundly
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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.
.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood