newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
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“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.