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Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
My blood type is coffee.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
#merica
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!