I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
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I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”