mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
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Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.