Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
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My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.