The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
You Might Also Like
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Bro what is this