Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
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me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)