Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
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me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.