[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
You Might Also Like
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
How I’d get arrested…
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.