[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
You Might Also Like
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?