My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
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A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Bond. Trauma bond.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦