PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
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For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.