“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.