Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
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[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
spicy snake
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?