when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
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I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?