Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Breaking news:
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home