If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
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Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
My time has come.