Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
You Might Also Like
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.