Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
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The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
This pepper has seen some shit
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.