At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
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My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.