[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
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Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
there has never been a better use of this meme
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it