That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
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If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
This kid is going places
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Just parrot things
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers