I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
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If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
what are they serving at kfc then???
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.