[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
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Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
WHY would you be happy about this?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times