nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
You Might Also Like
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Important
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
What is going on? 😅
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.