in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
You Might Also Like
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.