MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
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Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
how it started vs how it ended
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.