[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
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oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.