When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
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I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*