If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
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My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
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[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.