We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
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Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
*weighs self after shaving
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse